To Someone I Don't Speak To Anymore

One day things will be easy and free again.

I really hope so, at least.

We’re two fantastic people with so much power between us to create something magnificent, like tectonic plates forming mountain ranges. We just need to find a way to fit into each other’s lives in a way that builds each other up.

I’m so very grateful to have had the chance to have met you. You’re one of the most delightful people I have ever met. You radiate kindness and light. It’s so wonderful to be around you. The playfulness, insight, the curiosity… I don’t know anything else like it.

You’ve taught me a million things just by being who you are. You taught me to stay positive and to have more fun, to love deeply and care tenderly, to be resilient and dedicated to the things you love.

I’m so very proud of you, XXXXXXXX! You’ve grown so much from the bright-eyed girl I asked to refill my water bottle at XXXX XXX XXXXXXX. I feel like I’ve seen a flower bloom, but that’s a bad metaphor because you possess a power that is so much stronger than a flower. I truly respect the work you’ve put into your creative crafts, from your first rolls of film to the reinvention of your poetry to everything else beyond it. I hope you appreciate this about yourself. It’s unique and one of the reasons I love you so. You’ve been so brave in this area of your life.

You were so brave and bold going to XXXXXXXXXX, going for a 5th year, doing what you need to do to become the person you want to be. Continue to do this, please. Take these demonstrations of your bravery and use them as a bank from which to withdraw the strength to face the parts of your life that you want to change. Even through the silence you keep them in, I know they’re there, the demonstrations.

You’re becoming such a woman.

I hope you’re learning to love yourself. Receiving your love is one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever come to know, heaven knows you deserve it yourself. The reasons to love you are endless, XXXX. I hope that this becomes more and more clear to you.

I don’t know if I’ll ever really understand what I did to you. My calculators are all broken from crunching the numbers too many times. I kept you in suspension and uncertainty and, now that I’ve felt this from you, I know how maddeningly painful that can be. A tinnitus of the mind. I am so sorry even though I know you don’t want it.

I want you to know that I really did want to be with you after coming back from XXXXXXXX. Those were real feelings. I saw a lifestyle that I believed we would have thrived in. I wanted that more than anything I wanted in the world, like fresh fruit dangling from the bushes. I wasn’t planning on coming back for a few months and leaving. I was going to buy the whole orchard. I wanted to give you all the love that I could and celebrate that whole adventure with you. Cooking meals, discussing movies and poetry, propelling each other forward, laying among each other and listening to music with each other. The way no one else has ever come close to since. The foundation of our love. I wanted to lay in bed and listen to your thoughts and fears and dreams. I wanted our bodies to become familiar with each other’s again, like they once did, even in sleep. I wanted to grow as people and as artists. I wanted to share so much with you, because I’m ready to give now in a way that I never could before.

But I had shredded all the roots. I am a fool.

What I hope for you is what I hope for me. That fear never gets in the way of loving and being loved. Even though your love is going to someone else, I know it’s one of the most beautiful things in this world.

You’ve made my love stronger, more honest, more generous. Thank you for being you - the kindness you’ve shown me is unparalleled and I am so grateful for it.

Goosebumps still,

Roman

P.S. I hope you never read this.