To Myself Tonight 8/17/18
Be glad and confident.
I know that it’s easy to be overcome with doubt. Doubt that you might be overstaying your welcome. Doubt that you’re taking more than your share. Doubt that you’re earning less than your keep. Doubt that you’re spending your days meaninglessly and that your endurance of will is not leading you to greener pastures.
But look around you. Are there not pastures surrounding you? Is this valley you returned to not the very one that spurred new life in you the first time you visited, when these same doubts could never have originated in your mind?
No, it is not the same valley - because you were once here. Now you return during the dry season where you find the green fields of your memory have turned golden under the heat of the sun.
Do not lose faith in the dry season. Just as you persevered through Minnesota’s winters to bask in summer’s fresh air, so too will these fields become lush come rainfall. This is what you wished, what you longed for. Don’t let the fog of doubt descend and linger longer than it does in these cool mornings before the sun dispels it or the winds blow it away. Let it return nightly and vanquish daily if that is its nature. Just remember to see the stars directly overhead.
It is easy to let go of your routines you found vital to survival when you were back home, stifled by the mundane familiarity now that you are often bewildered on your own. Don’t lose faith in the efficacy of these practices now that you’ve changed settings. They live in your grain. Trust that you have prepared yourself to cast away negativity and be unaffected by gossip, rumors, and all things people take root in to provide false security. You do not tolerate this at home why do you entertain it here?
Be confident in who you are. You make yourself every day. Remember the reasons you pushed yourself to come all the way here. To continue with what you loved about yourself and to leave the undesirable in the past. You are not who you were to anyone else. You are constantly making yourself. Be patient and be kind. Seek to understand. Carry a light and open heart. Never quiet your curiosity, but let your mouth rest. Do not let others control you and don’t give time to what bores you or stalls your growth. Be selfless and generous. Be greedy with nothing. Not with money, time nor effort.
Fear not that what you give to others will leave you. It will be returned through their gains. Appreciate uncertainty and paradox. Find humor in the absurd. Laugh along with life.
It is ours to cherish
Love and gratitude.
Your present self,
Roman