Fuck You, Ferns
Me: waiting unknowingly with my tiny wrists
You: rushing anxiously through an hour’s traffic
You: enter the room
the world: notices
my voice: lowers
instinctively and your elusive eyes: roll
You: thought I was older,
I: knew better than to ask about the French words drawn upon your scars suitable
for no language other than memory
One year later I: would search for you by the tattoos on your thighs, but
Your mandalas: had already blown away.
Sneaky smokes underneath the sculptures and
we: are elevated.
We: listen to songs about the best coast
years before we: move there
You: a little further north than me.
Matt & Kim and we: catch a wave that brings us up close –third row
can you believe it? There ain’t nothing like Minneapolis
in the summertime.
You: felt so close for living in a different state.
The first time we hung out you: brought strawberries and jam.
You: had gone picking.
I: bit in and
it: tasted sweet
You: met me by a submerged tree
and we: walked around the lake-
a bad boy from your past: calls your name
We: find the movie in the park and laugh-
neither of us: expects anything to go right.
That time it did.
Sleepovers on the air mattress and
you: take me to places I’ve never been before.
I: called you a gypsy
because I: didn’t know any better.
Better than Pee Drinking Crap Face.
Or Fuck you, Ferns.
I: took you to my hometown, the best and worse
explanation of where I come from.
Neither of us: finished our lunch.
Let’s just go to the fields.
I: can still feel the lump in my throat
when you: went to work on the fourth of July.
No fireworks like the ones you see from an
endless bridge. Remember your hair? Remember your
dress? Remember coming home and waking up
laughing at 4 AM trying to piece it all together?
We: had a ball.
Technically, we: have never spent a night camping.
Coyotes and nightmares and ballads in the
back of that cop car.
I: am glad we laugh about it.
The air: cooled and I: got scared.
No cops to call this time. It’s not illegal to ruin someone’s birthday.
It should be.
The inside of my head: includes a semicircle of mirrors.
You: got drunk and then you: fell asleep.
The shakes: came into your hands
and you: wouldn’t let me near you.
It was selfish of me to break.
I: can’t believe
you: drove home.
I: remember the anxiety attack in the
reflection of the police lights on the street below.
My friends’ furniture-less apartment: was the closest thing
I had to home.
It wasn’t long after that that I: decided to leave.
I: didn’t know where you were. Too foolish to realize
You: are not the kind of bird to stay caged.
Your feathers: flutter down on my stone heart.
We: went to the best show ever.
I: am such a fool.
Just yesterday I: deleted all the pictures I took of the
back of your head.
I: should never have thought of myself.
I: should have only listened to you.
Cigarette burns: to remind myself of you.
One for you,
one for me.
You: didn’t like that at all, if you noticed.
You: want to be forgotten.
But no one: explained to me why the most memorable people
are the ones who long to be forgotten.
Happy birthday,
happy birthday happy
birthday.
No one: could give you a better birthday present
than yourself.