To Waking Up At The Bottom of the Ocean

You are not alone.

I am there with you.

You are not even you.

It’s just this position you’re in, that’s all that’s occurring.

I promise it will be over soon.

You are not alone.

I am there with you.

In fact, there are many people here with you.

Some great, some deplorable,

but they’re here.

They’re here and they’re joining you in this feeling, this suffocation, this paralysis.

Or rather, you’re joining them.

All of them, maybe even including your former self.

So please, for the sake of all of us, try this:

Whatever position you find yourself in, put your feet on the floor. Even if you’re laying on the floor itself. Just like, set your feet down. Try to identify what it feels like, you don’t have to use words. Just see if you can recognize the texture of the floorboards. If not the texture then maybe the temperature. Just feel that for awhile, as long as you need to but like, stay there. Feeling it.

Then, if you’re laying down, just breathe in really deep. I know it’s not easy. But just let the air push your chest up. The next breathe might be harder. But you can do it.

By the way, I fully expect that you’re rolling your eyes or calling me some obscenity at this point for being so goddamn unbelievably cheesy and patronizing. But this isn’t about me and it’s not about how I am. This is about getting you out of this state together, if we can. So shut the fuck up. This works. If you are laying on the floor overcome with despair and you’re reading this, than just shut up and try it. Please.

Pull your knees up to your chest, then fall on your side (if you aren’t there already). Just like, roll over. Take a breathe and put your arm under your head like a pillow. Just rest it there. You see, you just did it. That’s the thing. Something that simple and small and seemingly insignificant makes all the difference. You can see that. You can feel that. You just did it.

Take another breathe and push yourself up until you’re sitting and then just rest. Use your hand for support if you need to. Just keep your ribs off the floor or bed or whatever. Maybe notice if you’re creasing your neck or hunching your shoulders up by your ears. No worries if they were. It’s senseless to chastise yourself for what you were doing before you remembered to adjust it. Don’t throw some fuck-word at yourself for having bad posture or anything because, like, that was before you remembered to adjust it. So just like, roll your shoulders back or stack your spine. Just because it feels good.

It’s okay to feel good. Even if you fucking hate yourself at the moment. Just think of yourself for a moment as someone else. Maybe someone you love. Then just do this simple thing that feels good as if it’s for them.

Close your eyes and see what that feels like just to sit. I know it’s boring and unsexy but this is a way to come back to life. You’re not doing anything besides sitting but wow it’s different than how it felt when you were laying down on your bed or couch or bathroom floor or whatever. Where’s all that blood going?

Check back in with how those feet feel. Any different? Maybe stretch your legs out or wiggle your spine or do whatever feels good. It’s okay for things to feel good.

Breathe now, even it’s more like a sigh. Go ahead and fucking growl and scream if you feel like it. But then take a deep inhale and let another noise out. Anything that feels good. Keep doing this until your breath feels somewhat normal again. For me, it’s like a big, drawn-out exaggerated “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck” that sort of balloons up and floats down like a bed sheet until it ends with my chin on my chest.

Inhale the neck straight so you’re looking forward at neutral. Now is a good time to incorporate another sense into whatever it is you’re doing here. Maybe it’s smell or taste or just the feeling of the inside of your mouth. Just remember that there’s no need to judge whatever it is. Maybe your room is rank as fuck full of dirty laundry or maybe your hungover mouth is as dry as chalk and still sort of tastes like whiskey sours and Cheetos. It doesn’t matter. That’s not what this is about. It’s just about this sensory experience and not the thoughts or emotions.

Now, push yourself up with the muscles below your knees. You know, those muscles you only really notice when you’ve used them too much.

If it’s not too late, pay attention to the shape your body takes as you transition from sitting to standing up, that sort of slight backwards hooking arc until your upper body is pushed up from your lower back. Then just feel that space on the sides of your standing body and the blood flow.

What is standing like?

It took a truly unfathomable amount of time for our species to come to stand, have you ever really considered what it’s like? The way your weight stacks upon itself. The way you can feel your limbs are sort of like, tethered together. Just, what’s it like?

Again, words aren’t necessary here.

If you’re still with me, try this:

Imagine that those same feet that we started this with (whatever this is) are now anchored to the floor. Or rather, that they ARE anchors and the rest of your body is just a loose floating rope (or like kelp or something) in the midst of a deep sea. Just sort of like float and sway and maybe imagine what it would be like if our limbs did become un-tethered. Idk just float there, swaying with any current in your body.

Embrace levity. It can be the most difficult thing in the world to do sometimes. Just try. This isn’t about effort, I know, what we’re working through here. It’s not like this is going to take away all the other shit but I promise you it’s doing something good whether or not that’s what you want right now. Just see what effort does do, what it can do, not expecting it to fix anything that’s all fucked up in your life right now. Just maybe to get you out of bed. I know some days you aren’t going to be able to but maybe today you can.

If you are still floating around there, take a reading of the flow you’ve found yourself in. No words again, just observe it. Feel the parts of your body - your hips, your collarbones, your ankles, your fingers (that are now filling with blood) and really your neck and jaw. I really cannot stress enough that this is not forced movement. This is about the buoyancy of your limbs. Kind of the opposite of intentional movement.

Once you’ve done this for long enough, come to a stop (without like, stopping yourself) and then inhale and let it out your mouth (maybe with some annoyed, angry, bored sounds if you’re feeling it or maybe with a calm sound). Then take a slightly more calm breathe. Then one more, softer.

Now, go get yourself a glass of water and drink it.

That’s it.

You did it.

What’s it like?

Much love,

Roman

P.S. That posture thing, it’s a real act of love for yourself that you can give all day long.